Monday, May 16, 2011

I got a little bit stronger.

When I was 13, on December 27, 2004, I starting going out with a guy named Josh. We spent nearly 3 years together, until it came to an end in mid-2007. There are so many memories and emotions that I've suppressed over these past several years. Up until recently, it's worked. I've revisited them often as happy moments, something to learn lessons from, but never to compare current relationships to. Tonight, I was forced to face everything - the good and bad. Not only did I face it, I dealt with it.

I made the decision to clean out my closet tonight. I have had so many shoe/camera/lamp boxes on the top and started going through them. In the back corner, stashed away, I spotted a little red box.
No flood of emotions. No "oh shoot" moment. Had I really conquered the past?
When I opened it, I realized after the breakup I had put Brandi's notes on top, discouraging me from foraging for Josh's notes.

I sorted them out. I had decided at that very moment that I was salvaging Brandi's letters...

At the bottom were the photos. After a few moments of contemplation, I decided to keep the photos and got rid of duplicates. Despite the way our relationship ended, this was still part of my life. It was 2 years of high school. The photographs documented the good times, not the bad, so why throw them away? They won't be displayed in frames or anything, but they will be stored somewhere. They are worthy of more than a fire.

This was what I had saved from the breakup. Most of them I had been able to throw away after the breakup if they didn't hold any meaning. These still held meaning at that moment (which was about July 2007, keep in mind...)

*dun dun dunnnnnnn.....

This was the moment of truth. I was actually doing this.

Still, no flood of emotions. I texted Brandi about feeling a tinge of emptiness because I felt like I was losing a part of myself. I was so wrong.
For 4 years now I have neglected myself. I've held myself back. I've hindered emotional growth. And I haven't exactly fostered a lot of trust, either.

"What's the point here, Ciara?" I'm not saying that it took shredding his letters to get over him. I would never let myself suffer for that long. I don't even flinch anymore when it's brought up. Why would I when my thoughts are always fleeting to Jw? Whenever I think of my future, I see Jw there. Being engaged, getting married, and having a home to call our own (you know, with the fortune we're going to make as teachers...)

This hour or so since this took place, I've been wondering what this scene would've looked like had I not rediscovered that box until I moved in with Jw? Would I rethink the decision I was making to be with Jw? I don't think so. My heart is so set where it is that I don't think anything can sway it. 

Today, I've been with Jw 3 years + 8 months. I just find it ironic that I cleaned my closet on this night.

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