Friday, October 14, 2011


Day Two: How have you changed in the past 2 years?

In many respects, I feel like I'm the same person. However, looking back of the last two years of my life, I feel like I've changed as a result of some humbling events. November 2009 held one of those.

For eleven years, I was the only girl in my dad's family. Josh, Corey, and myself were a cousin trio. Sometimes it was hard to see where one ended and another began. In high school, something seemed to happen to Josh and myself. I dated a guy he couldn't stand and he had some friends that I just couldn't make myself like. Despite our differences, we had this understood love for one another. // We graduate. I move to Knoxville. We loose touch. // 3 months later, I get a phone call at around midnight. Josh had suffered a stroke (which we later learned was really an arteriovenous malformation) I get a call 30 minutes later. Doctors could do no more. He wasn't going to make it. He was going to die at 19 years old.

Right then and there, in my dorm room floor, I hit my knees and pleaded with God. He was taken to a hospital ~2 hours away and by some miracle he made it through the night.

For the next several weeks, I was in between Knoxville, Chattanooga, and Cookeville. I did college assignments through email, drove a 5 hour round trip to take finals, and begged classmates to turn in papers for me. I was there the day he opened his eyes for the first time. I was there when he started talking. I tried to be there for every little update that I could. I maintained a balance among my sanity, my family, and my grades.

One day I was in his room talking to Nanny and Josh's mom Rachel. Out of the blue, his mom pointed at me and asked Josh if he knew who I was. He shook his head no. -- He knew who everyone was: except me. I felt a surge of emotions. Anger: at God, at his AVM, at my family for being recognized. Doubt: was he just playing with me? Guilt: this was my fault because I wasn't embedded in his brain enough - I hadn't been in his life enough to be remembered.

Hours later, as I was sitting just outside his room but within his view on my laptop doing homework, I heard him ask his mom "Is that Monkey?" (my family nickname) I could've cried I was so happy. No longer did I care about the juggling act I'd put on forever. It made it worth it.

I have learned that  it's okay to let yourself go unnoticed sometimes. Even when you think that you're doing the best you can and you deserve to be recognized for what you're going through, it's alright to remain invisible for just a while longer. Your works and faith are not in vain and will mean more in the long run.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

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